Friday, November 19, 2010

Put the "Big O" in National Opt-Out Day!


    Just 6 days left until National Opt-Out Day! On Nov. 24th, indignant holiday flyers across the country will be standing up against the Transportation Safety Administration's latest draconian, rights-smashing policies. Rather than being sent through the new and potentially dangerous "Advanced Imaging Technology" scanners, protesters will be choosing to "opt-out", at which point they will be subjected to "enhanced pat-downs" - a humiliating physical search that includes TSA agents fondling their genital and breasts in a misguided attempt to keep America safe from Terrorists.
    There have been suggestions of ways to go one step further on National Opt-Out Day - Jeffrey Goldberg of The Atlantic suggests going "Braveheart" and wearing a kilt to the airport on the 24th. Better yet, Goldberg suggests going "commando", supposing that flying without pants is probably illegal, but flying without undies probably is not.
    I suggest going one step further- I propose that November 24th be "National O-Face Day", in which flyers not only opt to receive the advanced pat-down, but show the TSA agents and fellow flyers their best fake orgasm. As they search up your legs toward your "crotchal area", give them a little heavy breathing. "Oh... yeah baby, a little higher... higher... HIGHER... OH YEAH!" I mean, street theatre has always been a mainstay of protest, but you certainly aren't going to get through security with a giant puppet, so why not rock a little personal theatrics? Just imagine the security cam footage- a line of cubicles- in one an elderly grandmother, in one a man in a suit and tie, in one a hipster college student- and as the TSA agents in each cubicle disappear from view below the partition, their subjects each throw back their heads and howl in ecstasy... maybe offer them a tip after?
    Okay, a little too much for you? How about reciting the pledge of allegiance or singing the Battle Hymn of the Republic? Reciting the Lords Prayer? "...And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil..."

    For those of you gutsy enough to participate in "National O-Face Day", here is a classic scene from the very 80's romantic comedy, "When Harry Met Sally"- a movie that I first saw, ironically, on a plane.... while being served chicken Kiev and a fresh salad...in the smoking section.


And for the fellas- a little reminder of how it's done by the original "O Face" guy...